I broke up with both my boyfriend and business partner during the same week.
For the first 24 hours, I curled up in the fetal position on the couch while reruns of Murder She Wrote played softly in the background. I called friends in most of the world’s time zones and asked the same question — “how?”
Initially, “how” was about why the relationships ended. But none of the answers my well-meaning friends offered salved my lacerated heart. The real question was, “How can I move forward with my life?”
Below are the answers I discovered along the way. I hope they help you on your healing journey.
Let your heart break
Honestly, I hate this one. My friends consistently told me that feeling the pain was the only way through it. But who wants to experience a full meltdown in the produce aisle because a tomato reminds you of the amazing Greek restaurant you visited at the beach? I would rather have a colonoscopy than cry seven times a day. But I’d have to pay for the colonoscopy. At least crying was freeing. Crying releases toxins. It’s like a baptism for the soul.
Stay away from the internet
Refreshing your partner’s social media pages is no good. On the contrary, it’s the surest way of making yourself miserable. Do you need to know how much better their life seems without you? Also, never – and I mean never, ever in life – read articles about how to get your ex back. Scammers produce such content to make money. No “strategy” will ensure the desired outcome if you are incompatible.
Go to therapy – or not
Many people rush to therapy, hoping for answers to what went wrong, why they keep choosing losers, and how to do better in the next relationship. The right therapist can be nurturing and nourishing. However, in certain situations, hiring a therapist is counterproductive. The last thing you need to do is dissect and analyze the relationship because it keeps you in the past. Relationships often don’t work out. No one did anything wrong. Someone changed their mind about the relationship. Accepting this simple fact can be incredibly freeing.
Reject rebounds
Some friends advise “the best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else.” Such relationship advice worked in my 30s and 40s when men were like busses – there was always another one coming. However, I saw life differently after my 49th birthday. Therefore, I refuse to use someone to satisfy my deflated ego and non-existent sex life. It ends badly, and there are more effective and lasting ways to overcome heartbreak. This brings me to…
Dream new dreams
My friend LaMonique immediately booked a flight to see me after hearing me wail on the other side of the phone. She endured my relationship nostalgia, anger, and disappointment. Then, LaMonique took me to Tiffany and Co. I’m not saying indulging in manifesting $3,000 bracelets is the panacea for life’s disappointments. But it helps. Trying on beautiful jewelry that conjured a jet-set life on a yacht in Sardinia momentarily helped me stop mourning the life I would never have with my partners. Fantasizing about a new life propelled me to consider the endless possibilities ahead. We don’t break up the past. Instead, we give the future a chance.
Kerra Bolton is a writer and filmmaker based in the Mexican Caribbean. In a former life, she was a political columnist; Director of Communications, Outreach, and Oppositional Research for the North Carolina Democratic Party; and founder of a boutique strategic communications firm.
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